If, like me, you cannot travel without a guide book cello-taped to your hands then you will know that insightful though they are, they often miss out certain information. For example, did your Lonely Planet tell you that Venice would smell like diarrhea? Of course  it didn’t. Because travel is full of suprises: good and bad. If you too have also lost your mind and are thinking about moving to Mexico City or are simply planning a holiday to this insane metropolis of taxis and tacos then here are a few things that may help you:

1. If a Mexican says that it isn’t spicy- it’ s most likely going to burn a hole in your soul and prevent you from sitting down for a week. Lesson: wait until some other sucker tries it first. Alternatively, buy a rubber ring and stay close to home!

2. Consult the weather forecast or wikipedia before you pack your suitcase. Mexico City is not warm enough for the various bikinis and hot pants you thought would be so awesome.

3. Sometimes when you order a turkey sandwich what you actually get is a bowl of soup, a loaf of bread, a salad, a basket of fries, a turkey fillet and a lemonade. Who knew the word ‘bocadillo’ was so flexible?

4. It is very possible to miss a flight because you are on the toilet having…well, very big problems.

5. As a European, if you take a casual stroll down the street to buy a casual empanada you will feel as if you’re walking on one of those long moving walkways at the airport where you proudly overtake everyone walking beside the walkway at SUPER SPEED because interestingly walking speed here reaches no higher than -10mph.

6. Shot shots shots shots shots shots- everybodyyyyy. Shut up Lil Jon. Tequila and Mezcal are NOT to be downed in one. For a start, ‘shot’ glasses here are the size of babies arms not to mention that both beverages taste like pure paint stripper. Sip slowly and stay classy for a vom-free night. (OR…do the opposite if you’re feelin’ slutty and outrageous).

7. Sometimes when you ask for a salad you might end up eating with the employees in the back of the store…vegetarian persecution.

8. When the metro-bus gets busy it’s probable that you might grab hold of another woman’s breast to stop yourself from falling over. A boob is only a shoulder with nipples, after all.

9. Often buses that normally take 6 hours can take up to 12. If this happens you can do the following bus activities: get high, get wasted, steal someones wallet for laughs, spend the money on hundreds of tacos and see how many you can fit in your mouth at once….then recite the alphabet…in arabic. Taco showers for everyone!

10. Green vomit and/or poo isn’t unusual. You are 1/3 of your way to pooping out the colours of the Mexican flag- congratulations!

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